So this is love
by holyturtlemonkeys
Summary: Sometimes its not about happy endings and happily ever afters.


So this is love...

Fandom: BLEACH

Genre: Angst

Shipdoms: Ichiruki, Renruki, OrihimeIchigo

Renji stared down at Rukia sleeping next to him. The morning light which had begun to creep in through the window above them showing a deeper scowl across the red haired youth's face more poisonous than the one he usually wore. Though this had been a scene he'd long dreamt of- He, a powerful and envied vice Captain waking to the woman he fell in love with so many years ago sleeping beside him- he couldn't have imagined himself as being half as miserable as he was. Perhaps because he knew it couldn't be true.

That it wasn't true.

He'd called it love because that was indeed what he felt for the raven haired woman child next to him. But it couldn't be love. It wasn't love. It would never be love.

Renji's features softened from an angry scowl to a torn frown. Because he knew that no matter what he did, she did not love him back. Could not. Would not. And definitely not now. Sighing forcefully, he hit his head against the wall behind him; Looking to the ceiling for answers it could not give.

_That goddamn bastard_ he thought with a grin so venomous it could put most snakes to envy. He'd tried so hard, fought for so long…His eyes wandered to Rukia who shifted in her sleep suddenly, whimpering lightly. But in the end, he would always see a shadow in her eyes. -His- shadow.

Ichigo's shadow.

He was Rukias ghost, her torment.. And his too. Because he knew, no matter how much she cared for him, she could never love him as she did ichigo. Still, it was Renjis arms she sought comfort in, to him it was that she told of her predicaments, and eventually.. In his bed that she slept, his name she cried. But her heart had along ago been claimed by another. And there wasn't a damn thing Renji could do about it.

-

Rukia awoke to warm sunshine and a warm bed. Sighing ruefully the girl sat up in bed, wrapping the sheets around her cold body, turning to her side only to find a lingering warmth in the crumpled sheets next to her- Her only sign that she hadnt slept alone that night. At first she still didn't recognize her surroundings.. they weren't a small closet with a most violent of family reunions outside her door. It was then she remembered.. She was back in her world now. Her reality. There would be no more chaotic wake up calls, no more classes to attend, no more Ichigo to have to watch over. And yet… A silent, peaceful morning seemed so alien to her. So far away and cold.

A small smile tugged at her lips as she remembered waking to chaos, to never knowing what would happen… Waking up to him. She sighed again, sitting up and drawing her legs closer to her body, leaning her head against her knees.

She had left him. Ichigo. Though her heart screamed at her not to. She knew the truth too well. It was not her world. It was his world. And she simply didn't belong. It had torn her to see him.. Beaten, bloody… A shadow of his former self after the fight with the Vaizards. He was once so strong.. But she had ruined that. Because of her he had to go into soul society. Because of her he was beaten again and again and again… Because of her he was made to face his darker self. And how he was losing to a monster he couldn't fight, a monster he had to create because of her. To save her. To rescue her from a chaos her own carelessness had caused. And he was the one that had to suffer for it.

So she stayed away. She took it upon herself to bring him back as much as she could.. But as a coach. A sister. Anything else put him in too much risk. Endangered him too much. So she had to be faraway. But to do that… She had to convince herself she didn't….That she wasn't in… That she didn't care for him. It was in the warmth of Renjis arms that she had sought this.. She knew he cared for her, but not how she cared for him. He was her friend, her partner.. Now he was her lover, yet she still couldn't love him. But she had to. She had to for Renji. She had to for herself. And she had to for Ichigo.

-

Orihime looked up to Ichigo sleeping above her. Even asleep, he was always scowling. She cuddled closer to him, resting her head against his shoulder as a fierce autumn wind cried across the park, sending the leaves into a dancing blur.

She was happy. So happy. She'd always wondered what it was like to be in love. Always dreamt of it. Her brother told her it was a very beautiful feeling, like there were butterflies fluttering in your stomach every time you saw that special someone. Like you could jump off a precipice for them. And it was true. And many times she technically had.

Her expression gloomed slowly… Like the sky darkening before the rain. But… Her brother hadn't told her about the doubts…. The insecurities… But worst of all, her brother hadn't told her of the pain.

The gnawing feeling at the bottom of your stomach.. Yes, Orihime was innocent. Yes, she was trusting. But Orihime was not dumb. She knew she could never live up to Rukia. She knew Ichigo would never look at her as he did with Rukia. It wasn't a look of heartstopping love, or of insatiable lust… But a look of life, energy. Like he knew as soon as he saw Rukia, he would be happy. Even if being happy for those two involved screaming and the occasional kick to the face, they found peace in each other.

How she wished she could do the same for him…. How she wished he would look at her in the same way. But she could never be Rukia. She was Orihime, and could only love him as such. She could never be his Rukia, but she could atleast be his Orihime. Even if it meant he'd never truly love her back.

-

Ichigo woke to an angry wind as sunset melted into twilight. He was just about ready to get up and leave, when he felt something against him. That's when he remembered that he was not alone. He looked down and sure enough, Orihime slept peacefully cuddled up to him. Her expression soft and serene.

He smiled lightly, but it was a bitter one.

The boy looked up, as though the orange hued clouds could tell him what to do. He knew Orihime had feelings for him. Was it love? Did she love him? If she did.. Was it right that he was with her when he didn't love her back? What would be wrong with loving her back? Could he? Well that was an obvious one. There was nothing Kurosaki Ichigo couldn't do.

Then why wouldn't he love her? Why couldn't he? Wasn't he trying hard enough? How do you make yourself love someone? It was all so complicated.. He looked down to Orihime, still asleep. She always looked so safe around him, so content.. And he cared for her, sure. She was a sweet girl and he wanted to protect her.. At times she even reminded him of his mother. He gentleness and serenity…

But he did not love her. When he held her, it was someone else he wished to hold in his arms. Someone else he wished he could always protect, someone else he wanted to see everyday.

A short, ill tempered, fast mouthed, arrogant shinigami. It was Rukia he wanted. Oh God, it was Rukia he wanted. The thought alone should be creeping him out… Yet it couldn't anymore. But.. Not like he could do anything. She loved Renji, they'd known each other since before he even thought of being born.. And he simply couldn't compete with that.

Normally, such a thought would be out of the question.. The fact was, he didn't want to compete with the red haired Death God. Because time and again… It'd be proven Renji could do the one thing Ichigo had failed at- repeatedly. He could protect her. He could protect Rukia. Whereas Ichigo… Such a weak, stupid bastard..And a monster. A devil. How could he protect her when the biggest threat to her was he himself?

The only thing he could do to ensure her safety.. Her happiness... Was to keep away from her. He had to. He had to for Orihime. He had to for himself. And he had to for Rukia.

-

………..And on that note. Are you feeling depressed? Lonely? Is the thought of being happy foreign to you? You may be suffering from depression. Zoloft…


End file.
